Finally, I can stop being a jerk!

I've been on this rant lately and it's about time to get off that horse. (You know, the high-horse). I'm not quite sure what that means but I think the average reader can follow me.

I've been very interested in social justice issues and I will always be because I believe that Christ was very much in tune with such issues. In my own efforts to better educate myself on some of these issues and Christian response, I've come across the ONE campaign and Sojourners. Bono and Jim asked me to specifically mention the websites because they know how much traffic my blog generates. Ha. Anyway, somewhere along the way I really began to hunger for justice more than ever. Along with justice comes accountability and that's where I began to harp. Before I knew it, I was condemning everyone around me by their actions. I wasn't condemning out of hate or dislike, but I think it was because I allowed my eyes to be opened in a new way to valid social issues.

This was especially evident in my driving. On the one hand, I try my best to be courteous and defensive, always looking out for others. I switch lanes when I pass a pedestrian or cyclist as a way to show them courtesy...and just to be safe, because you never know what might happen that would could cause me to hit them or them to fall into my path. After thinking about someone other than myself, it just made sense to me to practice courtesy behind the wheel-and always be mindful of how others perceive my driving...especially from a safety prospective.
On the other hand, I was quick to tell many other drivers where they have erred. One time, this kid passed me on Sayles Blvd. in Abilene. I was doing 35, which was the speed limit and I guarantee you he was doing 60+. I took it into my own hands to follow that idiot. Now, being from Abilene, I'm familiar with the cruising scene enough to know that he was probably headed to Sonic on N. 1st. I didn't speed, and I followed all traffic laws on the way to Sonic...so as not to spoil my own driving "witness." I spotted the kid at Sonic...already sipping on his Cherry Vanilla DP, or whatever(I just wanted to show you how long he had been there before I arrived to bring home the point about how fast he was driving). I blocked in his truck and dialed up the APD. Yep, I was going to teach that punk a lesson. He came over to the car and I began to lay into him about how he could have killed someone and if I ever caught him doing it again I would...then I remembered that I was on the phone with the dispatch officer from APD...so I finished my threat with a stern "...well, you'll be sorry."

I've had similar reactions toward fat, rich, ego-centric Americans in general, except I called God directly to point out their gluttonous ways. Some of my study caused me to latch on to Campolo and Sider and I've yet to look back. Though I still haven't finished Sider's book because I've been sidetracked by this one and this one. As my eyes were being opened to my own short-comings, I was also becoming more aware of the common sins of the average Christian. I guess I wasn't becoming more aware of them, I mean we've been pretty blatant as Christians with our sins against culture and humanity as a whole, so much as I was becoming fed up. I wanted to be different and I was tired of being identified with a bunch of un-loving, self-seeking, so-called God-lovers. I wanted so much to be my own Christian, to break free from the mold of American Christianity and show the world that "we're not all like that." I was ready to do this one mercedes and 3 lb. hamburger at a time.

The problem is that I became the very thing I was trying to fight against...a hateful Christian, basically. I didn't hate the homeless or poor or homosexual, in an ironic change of heart I actually loved those people...I hated the self-righteous and self-seeking Christianity that seems to plague our churches today. I tried to compartmentalize and love the "sinners" while hating those who I felt were tearing apart the message of Christ, but called themselves believers. I literally could extend more love and compassion to Saddam Hussein than my baptist brother who happened to fall a little further right than me on the scale.

In the last week, I think I've finally realized how much of my life was effected by this "quest for justice." I had become so bitter, so anti-system and "stick it to the man" that I totally glossed over the fact that I was basically hating my brothers and sisters.

In addition to all that, I began to take on a victim complex and my cynicism grew out of control. I trusted no one and anyone that had previously been the object of my "justice thoughts" was removed from my circle of friends. After all, they had wronged someone in some way and sold out to money or power or whatever the case may have been. Hate continued to grow.

I have to tell you, I never said "I hate so-and-so," that would be too obvious and my mind was able to distinguish that using the word hate was just going too far. But by continuing to doubt these people, I was essentially hating them because I just wouldn't...I just couldn't give them another chance because of their narrow-mindedness or their abusive actions, whatever the case may have been. In my mind, justice had no room for such failures. Were these people wrong? In most cases, yeah, they were wrong. But I was wrong too because my silent crusade (that means I condemned them in my head and secretly wrote off everything they said from that point on as BS) sowed a bitter spirit that in turn began to overflow into all areas of my life. I didn't want to extend a helping hand to the poor, because I already did more for the poor than 99% of people I know. You follow me here?

Well, like I said earlier...I'm coming out of that stage. I'm realizing while my concern for the poor and for justice to be served and offenders to be held accountable is a noble and worthy task...I could never achieve anything with my former approach. There will always be another careless teenager driving way too fast and there will always be another judgmental Christian condemning people right and left. It just makes me so mad sometimes to see how we blatantly neglect the most obvious needs of our fellow citizen for our own agenda. My new approach is to try and extend love to the offender and the victim. I have to act out of love to all people. I must extend the same amount of love and grace to the fundamentalist as I do to the rapist, if I don't, then I believe my love that was extended to one is nullified by the hate I've so willingly given the other.

I want to learn to love people again, to truly love them.
I want to give them the benefit of the doubt.
I want to love them when I disagree.
I want to shut up because making my point in an argument is not more important than a person.
I want to feel the hurts and pains of others so I can better understand them.
I want to always be willing to see something from another's point of view.